Unbelievable! lt's been half an hour.
lf this was a cartoon, you'd look like a ham now.
-There's the waitress. Hello, miss! -lt's Phoebe!
-Okay, will that be all? -Wait. What are you doing here?
l was over there. Then you said, "Hello, miss." So l'm here.
No, how come you're working here?
Because it's close to where l live, and the aprons are cute.
-Can we start over? -Okay, l'm gonna be over here.
The One With Two Parts - Part l
l don't know whether he's testing me...
...but my monkey is out of control!
He keeps erasing the messages on my machine.
Supposedly by accident.
Oh, yeah, l've done that.
And then he got to the newspaper before l did...
...and peed all over the crossword!
l've never done that.
Last night, l don't know what he did but there were capers everywhere!
-She looks exactly like her sister. -l'm saying l see a difference.
They're twins.
l don't care. Phoebe's Phoebe. Ursula's hot!
You know how we talk about things?
-Let's not do that anymore. -All right.
-Pheebs, guess who we saw today? -Oh, fun! Okay.
-Liam Neeson. -No.
-Morley Safer. -No.
-The lady who cuts my hair! -This could be a very long game.
-Your sister, Ursula. -Oh, really?
-She works at that place.... -Riff's. l know.
You do? She said you guys haven't talked in years.
So, is she fat?
Not from where l was standing.
Where were you standing?
Pheebs, so you guys just don't get along?
lt's mostly just dumb sister stuff.
Everyone always thought of her as the pretty one.
She was the first to walk even though l did it later that same day.
But to my parents, by then it was, "Yeah, what else is new?"
l'm sorry. l've gotta go. l've got Lamaze class.
And l've got earth science, but l'll catch you in gym?
-ls this just gonna be you and Carol? -Susan will be there too.
We've got dads, we've got lesbians. The whole parenting team.
-lsn't that gonna be weird? -lt might have been at first...
...but now l'm comfortable with it.
-Ross, that's my jacket. -l know.
Hi. We're the Rostens. l'm J.C. and he's Michael.
And we're having a boy and a girl.
Good for you. All right, next?
l'm Ross Geller. And that's my boy in there.
And this is Carol Willick. And this is Susan Bunch.
Susan is Carol's....
Who's next?
Sorry, Susan is...?
-Carol's friend. -Life partner.
Like buddies.
-Like lovers. -You know how close women can get.
-We live together. -l was married to her.
-Carol, not me. -lt's a bit complicated.
-But we're fine. -Absolutely!
So, twins! That's like two births.
Ouch!
--to you too, Helen.
-Nina Bookbinder is here to see you. -Okay, send her in.
-Come on in. -You wanted to see me?
l was reviewing your data. You've been postdating your Friday numbers.
-Which is bad, because...? -lt throws my WENUS out of whack.
-Excuse me? -WENUS.
Weekly Estimated Net Usage Statistics.
Gotcha!
Won't happen again. l wouldn't want to do anything to hurt your WENUS.
l'll take " ldiots in the Workplace" for 200, Alex.
lt's not just that she's cute, okay? lt's just that...
...she's really, really cute.
lt doesn't matter. You don't dip your pen in the company ink.
God, l even know that and l'm pretty much unemployable.
Ross, your little creature's got the remote again.
Marcel, give Rossy the remote.
Marcel!
Marcel, you give Rossy the remote right now!
You give Rossy the remote--
-Great. -Relax. l'll fix it.
Oh, cool! Urkel in Spanish is Urkel.
How did he do this?
ls leaving Christmas lights up your plan to keep us merry all year long?
No, someone was supposed to take them down but obviously someone forgot.
Someone was supposed to write, "Rach, take down the lights" ...
...and put it on the refrigera--
-How long has that been there? -A really long time.
-Where you been? -Riff's.
l think Ursula likes me. l ordered coffee.
She brought me a tuna melt and four plates of curly fries.
Score.
She is so hot!
Before you do anything Joey-like, you might want to run it by....
-Pheebs? -Yeah.
ls it okay if l asked out your sister?
Why? Why would you want to do that? Why?
So if we went out on a date, she'd be there.
Well, l'm not my sister's, you know, whatever.
And l mean, it's true, we were one egg once.
But you know, we've grown apart so....
l don't know. Why not?
Cool. Thanks.
-You okay? -Yeah, l'm fine.
Do you wanna watch Laverne y shirIey?
Sorry.
Hi. Sorry l'm late. Where's Carol?
Stuck at school. Some parent-teacher thing.
You can go. l'll get the information.
No, l think l should stay. We should both know what's going on.
Oh, good. This will be fun.
We're gonna start with some basic third-stage breathing exercises.
Moms, get on your back.
And coaches, you should be supporting Mommy's head.
-What? -What?
-l'm supposed to be the mommy? -l'll play my sperm card once more.
l have to miss the coaching training because l'm a woman?
-So, what do we do? -l'll flip you for it.
Flip me for it? No, no. Heads!
On your back, Mom!
All right, mommies, take a nice deep, cleansing breath.
Good.
Now imagine your vagina is opening like a flower.
-Mr. D! How's it going, sir? -lt's been better.
The Annual Net Usage Statistics are in.
-And? -lt's pretty ugly.
We haven't seen an ANUS this bad since the '70s.
-What does this mean? -We'll be laying off people.
l know l was late last week. But l slept funny and--
Not you. Relax.
Ever have to fire anyone?
No, but that's not a problem. That's why my name's on the door.
Do you know when l'm getting my name on the door?
l don't know. l put it in the thing.
lt's okay. So, who is it gonna be?
Nina!
Nina.
Are you okay?
Yes. Yes, l am.
Listen, the reason that l called you in here today was....
Please don't hate me.
What?
Would you like to have dinner sometime?
So, what do you want for your birthday?
What l want is for my mom to be alive and enjoy it with me.
Okay. Let me put it this way. Anything from Crabtree & Evelyn?
-Bath salts would be nice! -Okay! Good.
What is this place?
You're cold, l have to pee and there's coffee. How bad could it be?
l think we have an answer.
Why is she here?
This could be God's way of telling us to eat at home.
-Think Riff's fired her? -No, we were there last night.
Are you gonna go to the...?
-l'll wait till we order. lt's her. -lt looks like her.
-Excuse me? -Yeah.
Hi, it's us!
Right. And it's me!
-So you're here too? -As much as you are.
Your turn.
-We know what we want. -That's good.
-Two caffe lattes. -And some biscotti.
Good choice.
-lt's definitely her. -Yeah.
l can't believe you haven't told that girl she doesn't have a job.
You haven't taken down the Christmas lights.
Congratulations! You've found the world's thinnest argument.
l'm finding the right moment.
That shouldn't be so hard now that you're dating.
" Honey, you're fired. But how about a quickie before l go to work?"
Once you're inside, you don't have to knock anymore.
l'll get it.
-Hi, Mr. Heckles. -You're doing it again.
We're not doing anything. We're sitting and talking quietly.
l can hear you through the ceiling.
My cats can't sleep.
-You don't even have cats. -l could have cats.
-Goodbye, Mr. Heckles. -We'll try to keep it down.
Phoebe, do me a favor. Try this on. l want to make sure it fits.
My first birthday present! This is really--
No, no, it's for Ursula. l just figured size-wise....
Sure. Yeah. Okay, it fits.
-Are you seeing her again? -Yep, lce Capades.
This is serious. l've never known you to pay for any kind of " capade."
l don't know. l like her.
She's different. There's something about her--
That you like. We get it. You like her. Great!
Phoebe, l asked you. You said it was okay.
Maybe now it's not okay.
Okay. Maybe now l'm not okay with it not being okay.
Okay!
lKnit, good woman, knit!
And that's the Chrysler Building right there.
-Nina! -Mr. Douglas. Cool tie.
She's still here.
Yes. Yes, she is. Didn't l memo you on this?
After l let her go, l got a call from her psychiatrist, Dr. Flennan--
Dr. Flennan-- Dr. Flynn.
And he informed me that she took the news rather badly.
ln fact, he mentioned the word " frenzy."
-You're kidding! She seems so-- -No. Nina? She's--
lf you asked her now...
...she'd have no recollection of being fired at all.
-That's unbelievable. -And yet believable.
So l decided not to fire her again until she'll be no threat to anyone.
l guess you never know what's going on inside a person's head.
Well, l guess that's why they call it psychology, sir.
The sound Mom and Dad wiII never forget.
For this, after aII, is the miracIe of birth.
Lights, please. And that's having a baby.
Next week is our final class.
Susan, go deep.
-lt's just impossible. -What is, honey?
What that woman did.
l am not doing that. lt'll just have to stay in.
Everything will be the same. lt'll just stay in.
-Carol, honey, it'll be all right. -What do you know?
No one's asking you, " Mind if we push this pot roast through your nostril?"
Carol, sweetie. Cleansing breath.
l know it's frightening. But big picture:
The birth part is just one day.
When it's over, we'll all be parents for the rest of our lives.
l mean, that's what this is all about, right? Ross?
Ross?
l'm gonna be a father.
-This is news to you? -l knew l was having a baby.
l just never realized the baby was having me.
-You'll be great. -How can you say that?
l can't even get Marcel to stop eating the bathmat.
-How will l raise a kid? -Some scientists are now saying...
...that monkeys and babies are actually different.
You might want to look into it.
-Where you going? -Out.
With...?
Yes.
Can l just ask you one question?
Have you two, you know, like, you know?
You know, yet?
Not that it's any of your business, but no, we haven't.
You meant sex, right?
-Do you have a sec? -Sure. What's up?
The past few days, people have been avoiding me and giving me weird looks.
Well, maybe that's because they're jealous of us.
Maybe. But that doesn't explain why they keep taking my scissors.
Maybe that's because you're getting a big raise!
-l am? -Sure. Why not?
Oh, my God! You're amazing!
You don't know.
Helen, do the paperwork on Miss Bookbinder's raise.
You stiII want me to send her psychoIogicaI profile to PersonneI?
Helen drinks.
Will you marry me?
So after the proposal, l kind of unraveled.
Right. Because you were really in control up until then.
-l told her everything. -How'd she take it?
Pretty well. Except for the stapler thing.
A tip. lf you're ever in a similar situation...
...never, ever leave your hand on the desk.
Okay, l think l get how to do this.
Can we turn it off? Make them go away because l can't watch.
Okay, they're gone.
Are you all right?
lt's just this whole stupid Ursula thing.
Pheebs, can l ask? So he's going out with her. ls it really so terrible?
Yeah.
l'm not saying she's evil or anything.
She's just always breaking my stuff.
When l was 8, she threw my Judy Jetson Thermos under the bus.
And then when l was 1 2, she broke my collarbone.
She didn't mean to do it but l think it still counts.
And then there's Randy Brown, who was like--
Have you ever had a boyfriend who was your best friend?
That's what he was for me.
And she kind of stole him away and then broke his heart.
Then he wouldn't talk to me anymore.
He didn't want to be around anything that looked like either one of us.
l know Joey's not my boyfriend or my thermos...
...or anything, but--
-You won't lose him. -You gotta talk to Joey.
-lf he knew how you felt-- -But he's falling in love with her.
They've been going out a week.
They haven't even slept together yet. That's not serious.
Okay. Okay.
May we help you?
What are you doing? lt's freezing! Come inside.
No, you wanted me to take them down...
...so l'm taking them down, okay?
Rachel!
l'm okay. l'm okay.
Mr. Heckles?
Mr. Heckles, could you help me, please?
This is just the kind of thing l was talking about.
My friend was taking down Christmas lights...
...and may have broken her ankle.
My God, you still have your Christmas lights up?
-Fill this out and bring it back. -Here you go.
All right. Name, address.
-Are you currently on any medication? -No.
Oh, wait! Yes. Blistex.
-No. ln case of emergency, call...? -You.
-Really? -Yeah.
Oh, that is so sweet!
Gosh, love you. Okay, insurance?
Oh, yeah, check it. Definitely gonna want some of that!
-You don't have insurance? -How much will this cost?
X-rays alone could be $200!
-What are we gonna do? -There's not much we can do.
Unless l use yours.
-No, no, no. -Now wait a second.
Who did l just put as my emergency person?
That's insurance fraud.
All right then, forget it. Might as well just go home.
-Okay, come here. l hate this. -Thank you. l love you.
Hi. l'm gonna need a new set of these forms.
-Why? -l am really an idiot.
l was filling out her form...
...and instead of putting her information l put mine.
You are an idiot.
Yep, that's me. l am that stupid.
l had a dream. l was playing football with my kid.
-That's nice. -No, no. With him.
l'm on this field, and they hike me the baby.
l've gotta do something. The Tampa Bay defense is coming right at me!
-Tampa Bay's got a terrible team. -Right, but...
...it is just me and the baby, so l'm thinking they can take us.
And so l just heave it downfield!
-What are you, crazy? That's a baby! -He should take the sack?
Anyway, suddenly l'm downfield.
And l realize l'm the one who's supposed to catch him.
l know l'm not gonna get there in time.
So l am running and running. That is when l woke up.
See? l am so not ready to be a father.
You're gonna be fine.
You're one of the most caring, responsible men in North America.
You're gonna make a great dad.
Yeah, you and the baby just need better blocking.
Have you ever been to the Rainbow Room? ls it expensive?
Well, only if you order stuff.
l'm taking Ursula tonight. lt's her birthday.
-What about Phoebe's birthday? -When's that?
-Tonight. -What are the odds of that happening?
You take your time.
There it is!
-What'll you do? -What can l do?
l don't wanna screw it up with Ursula.
And your friend?
lf she's my friend, she'll understand. Wouldn't you?
lf you tried that on my birthday...
...you'd be staring at the end of a hissy fit.
Saffron makes all the difference.
-Okay. Monica? -Yes.
-Yes, she is. -Hi, this is my friend Rachel.
-Hi, l'm Dr. Mitchell. -And l'm Dr. Rosen.
l'm okay here.
Actually, that's all right. You can take your break.
No, this is why l became a doctor. Ankles and stuff like that.
-Aren't you too cute to be a doctor? -Excuse me?
God, young, young. l meant young. Young to be a doctor. Good, Rach.
-Thank you. -Right.
He said it was just a sprain.
-You left out the stupid part. -lt's not stupid.
The cute doctors asked us out for tomorrow, and l said yes.
l think it's insane. They work for the hospital.
lt's like returning to the scene of the crime.
-l say we blow off the dates. -What? They are cute.
They are doctors. Cute doctors. Doctors who are cute.
All right, what have we learned so far?
Oh, God. Okay.
Surprise!
What are you doing? You scared the crap out of me!
-Was that the cake? -Yeah. l got a lemon schmoosh.
Come on. She'll be here any minute.
Hope it's okay.
" Happy Birthday Peehee."
Maybe we can make a " B" out of a rose.
We'll just use our special cake tools.
-What's going on? -We just--
Surprise!
This is so great! Oh, my God! This was not at all scary.
Look! " Happy Birthday Peehee."
What a strange new nickname. l like it! Oh, my God!
Hi, everybody. Hi, Betty! Betty, hi!
You found Betty! Oh, my gosh! This is so great.
Everybody l love is in the same room. Where's Joey?
Did you see Betty?
l wouldn't mind having a piece of this sun-dried tomato business.
Five years ago, if somebody had said, "A tomato that's like a prune" ...
...l'd have said, " Get out!"
Dad, before l was born, did you freak out?
l'm not freaking out! l'm saying, if someone had come to me--
Dad, l'm talking about the whole baby thing.
Did you ever get this sort of...
...panicky, " Oh, my God, l'm gonna be a father" thing?
No. We just had kids back then.
We didn't think about it. What else could the sun dry, l wonder?
Dad, come on. lKids.
Look, your mother really did the work. l was busy with the business.
l wasn't around that much. ls that what this is about?
No, l was just wondering.
We can make up for that. We can do stuff together.
You always wanted to go to Colonial Williamsburg. Let's do that.
Thanks, Dad, really. You know, l just....
l just needed to know...
...when did you start to feel like a father?
Well, l guess it must've been the day after you were born.
We were in the hospital room, your mom was asleep...
...and they brought you in and gave you to me.
You were this ugly little red thing.
All of a sudden you grabbed my finger with your fist...
...and you squeezed it so tight.
And that's when l knew.
So you don't wanna go to Williamsburg?
We can go to Williamsburg.
Eat your fish.
-Rachel, the cute doctors are here! -Okay, coming.
-Hi, come on in. -Hi, Jeffrey.
We brought wine.
Look. lt's from the cellars of Ernest and Tova Borgnine.
-How could we resist? -That's great!
-Monica, how's the ankle? -lt's....
Why don't you tell them? After all, it is your ankle.
lt's feeling a lot better. Thank you.
Why don't you guys sit down, and we'll get you some glasses?
Okay. Stat!
Why don't we just tell them who we really are? lt'll be fine.
-We'll get in trouble. -Would you stop being such a wuss?
A wuss? Excuse me for living in the real world.
-So? -So they still seem normal.
Because they are.
When we go out with women from the hospital--
Relax. Take a look around. There are no pagan altars.
No piles of bones in the corners. They're fine. Go like this:
We're not going to do it. Sometimes you can be such a baby!
-l am not a baby. -Be serious. Every time--
-You act like a princess. -You know what?
Every day you are becoming more and more like your mother. Excuse me.
Here we go.
Great place. How long have you lived here?
l've been here about six years.
And Rachel moved in a few months ago.
See, l was supposed to get married, but l left the guy at the altar.
-Really? -Yeah.
Yeah, l know it's pretty selfish, but hey, that's me!
-Try the hummus. -Monica, what do you do?
l am a chef at a restaurant uptown.
-Good for you. -Yeah, it is.
Mostly because l get to boss people around, which l just love to do.
-This hummus is great. -God bless the chickpea.
Oh, God! l am so spoiled!
That's it.
l shoplift.
You had no idea that lipstick was in your pocket.
Did l tell you that l think l'm so much cuter than l am?
And have l mentioned that back in high school l was a cow?
l used to wet my bed.
l use my breasts to get people's attention.
We both do that!
Monica and Rachel's apartment.
Just one second. Rachel, it's your dad.
Hi, Dad. No, no, it's me.
Listen, Dad, l can't talk right now.
But there's something....
There's something l've been meaning to tell you.
-Excuse me. -Remember back in freshman year?
Well, Billy Dreskin and l had sex on your bed.
Daddy.
Why? Why would l sleep with Billy Dreskin?
His father tried to put you out of business! You are dead!
Hey, Rachel? Are these your condoms?
Oh, no, that was just Monica. She's drunk again.
l don't think " scrunchy" is a word.
Why not, if " crunchy" is a word?
Then l'm using that same argument for " fligament."
-Ross, he's got the remote again. -Good.
Maybe he can switch it back.
Maybe not.
Okay, Daddy? That's the other line.
Okay, no, not even in my bedroom.
Okay. Okay. Bye-bye.
Hello?
Hold on a second. Let me check and see if she's here.
lt's the woman from the hospital. There's a problem.
-What do we do? -Just find out what they want.
Okay. No, you do it.
Hello. This is Monica. Yeah?
Oh, okay. Yes, we'll be right down. Thank you.
We forgot to sign one of the admissions forms.
You were right. This was just not worth it. Let me just change.
-" Garge" ? -Nautical term.
-Cheating man. -Okay.
-She still didn't call? -No.
Trouble?
Your sister stood me up.
Don't you hate it when people aren't there for you?
-What is that? -" Tushy."
-Did you try calling her? -For two days.
At the restaurant they said she was busy.
l can't believe she's blowing me off!
-We had the two chef salads. -And how were they?
No, we haven't had them yet. We're still hoping to have them.
Okay.
-You got a minute? -Yeah, l'm just working.
So.
-l got you a birthday present. -Wow, you remembered.
-lt's a Judy Jetson thermos. -Like the kind you--
Right. Oh, l got something for you too.
-How'd you know l was coming? -Yeah, twin thing.
l can't believe you did this.
So, what's the deal with you and Joey?
Oh, right. He is so great. But that's over.
-Does he know? -Who?
Joey. You know, he's really nutsy about you.
-He is? Why? -You got me.
Right. Excuse me, doesn't this come with a side salad?
So are you gonna call him?
-You think he likes me? -No. Joey.
Oh! No, he is so smart. He'll figure it out.
Do you want some chicken?
No. No food with a face.
-You have not changed. -Yeah, you too.
Thanks. Excuse me? My side salad?
Service here is horrible. Now l know what people mean.
Hi! Remember us?
You called about needing a signature on the form?
Well, it turns out we need a new one.
Because, you see, l put the wrong name again.
-Because-- -You're that stupid!
l am. l'm that stupid.
And l'm gonna pay for this with a check.
Your insurance will cover that.
l know. l'm just not that bright either.
Mon, l'm sorry. l don't think you're like your mother.
That's all right. And l don't think you were selfish.
Oh, and l'm sorry l said you were a cow.
That's okay, l was a cow.
l know. l'm just sorry l said it.
Worst case scenario: Say you never feel like a father.
Say your son never feels connected to you as one.
Say all of his relationships are affected by this.
-Do you have a point? -You know, you'd think l would.
What's up with the simian?
-lt's just a fur ball. -All right.
-Whose turn? -Yours. l got 43 points for " kidney."
No, you got zero points for " idney."
l had a " lK." Where's my " lK" ?
You've got to help me! My monkey swallowed a " lK" !
-Get that animal out! -The animal hospital is across town.
-What's going on? -Marcel swallowed a Scrabble tile.
Excuse me. This hospital is for people!
He is people! He has a name, okay?
He watches Jeopardy!, he touches himself when nobody's watching.
Please, have a heart.
-l'll take a look at him. -Thanks.
-Michael! -Rachel.
-What? -Monica.
Urs, what are you doing here? l've been trying to call you.
Listen....
Don't say " listen." l know that " listen." l've said that.
-l'm sorry. -l don't get it. What happened?
What about what you said under the bridge?
Yeah. You should just forget about what l said under the bridge.
l was talking crazy that night. l was so drunk.
-You don't drink. -That's right, l don't.
-But l was drunk on you. -Oh, Urs--
But it's not gonna work.
Why? ls it because l'm friends with Phoebe?
Would you stop hanging out with her?
No, l couldn't do that.
Then yeah, it's because of Phoebe.
So, you know, it's either her or me.
Then l'm sorry.
You know, you're gonna be really hard to get over.
l know.
l don't know whether it's just because we're breaking up or what.
-But you've never looked so beautiful. -Really?
-Pheebs? -Yeah.
He looks so tiny.
-We just heard. -ls he okay?
The doctor got the " lK" out.
He also found an " M" and an " O."
We think he was trying to spell out " monkey."
The doctor says he'll be fine. He's just sleeping now.
-So, you feel like a dad yet? -No. Why?
Come on, you came through. You did what you had to do.
-That's very " dad." -Look. He's waking up.
Hey, fella. How you doing?